Year in Review

Thomahawk Grunny – the self anointed Captain of the Vets. Each week this man would send so many emails Google thought he was spam. The contents of the emails bordered on the blue variety so much that Game Changer thought he was a 15 year old freckle faced teenager who works at the local McDonald’s and wears a name tag labelled “keith”. The Maccabi Hockey Club is lucky to have Thomahawk. The only thing he needs to improve on is his selection of restaurants after a game. 9 times out of 10 the food is shithouse.

Big Dave Birnbaum – The most menacing of all full backs in the competition. His strikes are so powerful the opposition attackers cower and duck for cover. When taking the hit from a short corner the goalie usually ends up in the foetal position. He is always the one to drive out to far away places such as Greensborough, Geelong and Darwin. His car is always well stocked too with snakes usually provided. At full back he splits the lines and hits Game Changer more often than not. At 6 foot 2 and 3/4 he is an imposing figure. “Damn straight!” is what we would hear from the opposition week in week out. His whacking of(f) the ball is second to none.

The Transurbanator Suss – if he could buy tickets to his own concert this man would sell out Madison Square Garden 7 times over. The Transurbanator has the 2nd longest arms in the business behind Long Arms Harley. One of the playmakers of the team. He believes he is one of the greatest players of his generation. Many people disagree. The only guy whose hair gets thicker with age.

Big Mouth Geiger – this man sits at left back and screams all game. He is also one who loves to get injured as it means he can sit on the couch on Monday nights in his New Kids on the Block pyjamas watching reruns of Benson. He leaves so much blood on the ground the Red Cross can be seen trying to scoop it up after games. This man is fantastic at mouthing off and calling Game Changer to run to the backline to help out in defence. His glasses have their own Twitter account with 700 followers. All his followers expect him to design fog free glasses. He is the only mid 40 year old who still gets asked for ID (at Kittens).

New Threads Sekler – when he isn’t at Bagelicious you will see him hold down the back line with Big Dave and the Professor. Opposition forwards tremble at the mere thought of trying to get through the Great Wall of Seklar. Many times hanging their head in shame. His beautifully modelled new Maccabi threads never took off as he was the only one who wore it.

Dazzling Diamond Beville – a stalwart at the club who, like a fine wine, get better with age. Whether it’s up forward, in the guts or down in defence he makes his opponents look second rate. His advice is always on point too. Any Maccabi member who require diamonds please see Dazzling Diamond Beville as he has promised 90% off until the end of the year.

Long Arms Harley – With his 60 inch weapon and the longest arms in the by game he is a stealthy consistent performer. Working alongside Beville in the centre ensures that the forwards are always fed. The opposition wives melt when they see this man wield his stick and like Dazzling Diamond Beville his suits are now 95% off and loves to be paid in 5c pieces.

Multi-Grain Baigel – this man was brought out of retirement to play half a season. This boys acrobatic skills are fantastic. With or without the ball you will see him rolling around on the ground thinking he is dough. Some of the best goals this year came off the stick of this great man. Just ask him. A solid performer up forward and we hope next year he can play the entire season.

The Insolvenator Kenevsky – this guy does his best work around the 30 June. It’s at this time that his opponents realise that if they beat him they will be bankrupt the next day. A solid year from the Insolvenator Kanevsky

The Professor Berhang – this man had the best dad jokes even before becoming a father. His work in defence is incredible. One of the few players who knows how to swat the ball and when his deflective passes come off he looks A-grade. When they don’t he looks shithouse. Game Changer can always expect the long ball when The Professor has the ball. Game Changers receiving of the ball off the professor is of Olympic standard. Simply brilliant.

Pistol Pete – a champion at 2 things. Running down the right wing at full pace with the ball and not running down the right wing at full pace when he turns the ball over. A 50 year old who is less mature than the combined age of his kids. A playmaker on and off the pitch. A man who has more business ideas than the combined start up community of San Francisco and Israel. The best short corner pusher in the team. Many goals were setup by this great man.

The Scalpel Flicker – the elder statesman of the team. A true reader of the play who can see things before they happen. The only doctor in a Jewish team – this fact alone is incredible. When he isn’t diagnosing injuries he is supporting the team. Some silky plays on the field this year resulted in quite a few goals.

Clean Sheet Roma – our goalie. The guy who many times this year has had to change his name. He stopped so many goals this year the league thought about presenting him with a freshly minted medal for stopping goals that were hit directly at him.

Danger Wayne Levy – the tallest and loudest player on the team. A true leader and teacher who has supported Thomahawk throughout the year. A brilliant tactician who enjoys a goal or two. The umpires are on first name basis with him. This is not because they are friends but rather because he keeps getting sent off and they have to write his name in the book.

Browndog – what more can be said of this man that he hasn’t already told people about. His opponents are in fear of this walking hamstring. The biggest tosser on the team. He can toss the ball so high the aviation team at Tullamarine get notified. He plays about 75% of every game. The other 25% he is either crying from being sent off or yelling at the umpire after being sent off. This man has perfected the stroke – he is as good at stroking as he is at maths debates. The only guy on the team who isn’t on Facebook so I can write pretty much what I want. This man attends every Maccabi trophy presentation in the hope that he can fill his currently empty IKEA trophy cabinet with his first piece. Actually, he has 1 thing his cabinet – the hamstring he tore while running the Stawell gift 20 years ago.

Game Changer – throughout his career as a model and activist (for himself) this man has excelled. The hockey pitch is where he does his best work ably supported by the men above. To put into words what he has achieved would not do it any justice. Words have not yet been created to describe him either. If he isn’t leading the goal scoring in each of his seasons or blind reverse flick passing to his team mates he is sure to get the crowd enthralled and on the edge of their seats. The warranted attention he receives is testament to the bloke he is. He has run out of ink so many times from signing autographs that he has had to, on occasion, written in his own blood to appease his fans. There were many highlights from Game Changer this year but one stood out. It was the first game of the season and the team drove to Werribee. Game changer was driven by Big Dave and his usual police escort. Game Changer had just returned from building mud huts for orphaned children in The Democratic Republic of Congo and was raring to go. Scores were level with 10 seconds to go. Browndog had just had a massive toss to Game Changer who then decided it was time to electrify the throngs of people who came out to watch. After receiving the ball he took off and got around all 10 of the opposition before he came face to face with the goalie. A faint darkening of the goalies pads meant that he had wet himself from shear terror. Game Changer then summersaulted with the ball over the goalie and into the net landing on his feet to ruptuous applause. The whistle then blew and the game was ours. A standard Game Changer play not yet seen at this level.

Editors note: some of you have expressed concern about the truth in these articles. This editor is now admitting that most of the articles have mayonnaise on them. However, everything you have read about Game Changer is 100% accurate.

 

Elimination Final 29/8/2016: La Trobe White 4 v 2 Maccabi (Brown, Rapoport)

Maccabi played La Trobe in the qualifying final out at Bundoora. The winner plays the loser of the 1st and 2nd on ladder. The loser goes home and looks in the mirror, cries and screams at their reflection and tell themselves that they are useless.

Some big outs tonight. Danger Wayne thought it was appropriate to go to Queensland to be the Blue Wiggle at Dreamworld while the Professor Berhang was on school camp telling prepubescent teenagers to stay in their own dorm.

There were about 550 paid spectators out to watch the teams play. 549 to see Game Changer. 1 to see whether Browndog was going pull another hammy.

The pre game rev up from Thomahawk Grunny was inspirational. He drew on classic lines from motivational films such as Braveheart and Rocky and his favourite film, Porky’s.

The first 10 mins both teams played with gusto. The backline of New Threads Sekler and Big Dave Birnbaum fed the forwards. Some slick passing from Dazzling Diamond Beville and Long Arms Harley help setup the first goal for Browndog. His goal was as good as a young Browndogs pickup lines at one of those Macabbi parties in the late 90’s. Hopeless. The goalie basically tripped over his stick and fell over. Browndog was all over it like one of his successful maccabi parties.

They managed to score 2 quick goals off turnovers. If turnovers were considered a positive stat then Long Arms Harley would have top votes.

Big Mouth Geiger lost his voice. Game Changer and The Insolvenator Kanevsky’s didn’t hear him all night. The Transburbanator thought he was a colossus up forward. The rest of the team thought otherwise.

By the end of the first half it was 1-2.

The 2nd half started as it ended, with Browndog yelling at the umpires. La Trobe scored a quick goal to go up 1-3.

Maccabi’s second goal was delicious. Game Changer scored the goal of the year. There were 5 defenders trying to get the ball off Game Changer. With 1 majestic swipe Game Changer struck the ball into the net. The 5 defenders and goalie just looked at one another and nodded. They knew who they were up against. It was only a matter of time they had to defend against the indefensible. 3 of the 5 defenders just looked on in awe while the other 2 walked off in protest. Multi Grain Baigel consoled the goalie who just wept uncontrollably. 17 spectators fainted which was Game Changers record. Fortunately only 5 were rushed to hospital and put in a coma. They all pulled through which was nice.

Pistol Pete went missing in the second half as did Browndog. Both seemed to have allergic reactions to the ball and kept well clear because of it. Clean Sheet Roma let the 4th goal in late in the game. Yaron the Scalpel Flicker came on late but by then it was too late.

The final score was 2-4.

The team went for a final dinner at the local kosher establishment Custom Burger in Northcote.

 

Rd 18 22/8/2016: Maccabi 4 v 4 Altona (Cohen, Birnbaum, Suss, Baigel)

In the final home and away game for the season The Vets played Altona at Albert Park.

Missing tonight was Browndog who was flying Virgin’s new Screaming Eagle 747 to Perth. Also missing was Thomahawk Grunny who hurt his ankle playing footsies. This didn’t stop him from turning up to coach the team. His pre game rev up was outstanding. Unfortunately for the team Game Changer was in the bathroom while the starting line up was announced. The team begged Thomahawk to put him on the ground but Thomahawk stuck to his guns and promised that Game Changer would come up very soon in the first half.

The first half was made up of 2 halves and for those crap at math this meant that the first 12.5 minutes saw some of the best hockey you will ever see. Game Changer witnessed it from the sidelines first hand. Big Mouth Geiger was back after spending 3 nights in hospital getting his face reattached after last weeks incident. His fluid pass to Long Arms Harley was as slick as watching Pistol Pete bust a move on the dance floor. Long Arms ran around a few defenders and promptly slotted home the first goal. Incredibly this all happened while Game Changer warmed the bench. The second goal came about when Big Dave Birnbaum stepped up and nearly broke the goalie in half with a powerful display of hitting. Some say the wrist strength comes from practising his stroke while others say it comes from practising his menacing hits from full back. The 3rd goal came from the stick of the Transurbanator Suss. A stealth pass from Game Changer was all The Transurbanator needed to hit the ball pass the goalie.

It was 3-0 after the first half of the first half. The 2nd 12.5 minutes saw the opposition go BANG BANG BANG! It was a bang fest and the Vets had no keys in bowl. Sloppy defensive play by Maccabi’s entire team saw the opposition back in the game at 3-3 by half time.

The crowd numbered about 400. Many of them wanting to see a glimpse of Game Changer. When in full flight he is an incredible specimen to see. Tonight he seemed a bit off his game. It was extremely rare.

The 2nd half saw a quick goal by Multi Grain Baigel. It’s great to have Multi Grain in the team. His strike rate is about 1 goal per game. The goal was setup by Long Arms Harley and New Threads Sekler. Some aerial acrobatics meant Multi Grain struck the ball mid flight into the back of the net. This saw a woman faint from seeing something she thought was not possible.

One of the best passes in World Hockey was made by Danger Wayne Levy. His incredible toss was something he will never forget. A toss for the ages. One that he will draw back on during tough times. It was such a good toss that he became exhausted when it finished. He had to pull himself off to give The Scalpel Flicker a run.

The opposition scored 1 more goal to even up the score at 4-4 by the end of game.

Pistol Pete was robbed when he hit the winning goal during the last short corner of the game. He had to be consoled by Game Changer after the goal was disallowed. The referee said that it was impossible that he could have scored the goal as it was too good for his abilities. The ref then went onto say that had Game Changer hit the goal he would have blown a goal because it would have been believable.

The Vets play finals hockey next week. Stay tuned.

Final Ladder after Rd 18

Grand Final: Powerhouse 1 v 2 La Trobe White

#	Team	P	W	D	L	F	A	Diff	Pts
1	Powerhouse	18	15	1	2	99	26	73	46
2	Geelong	18	14	1	3	81	17	64	43
3	La Trobe White	17	10	5	2	62	33	29	35
4	Maccabi	18	11	4	3	71	31	40	37
5	Essendon	18	11	1	6	42	34	8	34
6	Altona	18	6	2	10	30	41	-11	20
7	La Trobe Red	18	6	1	11	22	67	-45	19
8	Werribee	18	3	3	12	20	59	-39	12
9	Brunswick	17	1	3	13	11	60	-49	6
10	Greensborough	18	1	1	16	9	79	-70	4

 

Rd 17 15/8/2016: Werribee 1 v 1 Maccabi (Brown)

Maccabi drove out to Werribee tonight in a game that could be described as horrible.

Our Captain Tomahawk Grunny decided to pull out at the last minute to take care of his pet gerbils. The team missed his pre game rev up and it was left to Danger Wayne to rally the troops. Yaron ‘the Scalpel’ Flicker was at a medical convention and couldn’t make it either. Multi Grain bagel ate too many bagels on the weekend and couldn’t roll out of bed.

The first half saw Maccabi have about 15 short corners for zero goals. The team struck out more than a young Browndog on Saturday nights. It was like watching a bad movie. Time and time again Pistol Pete pushed the ball out to the Transubanator Suss only for the ball to roll over his stick or Big Dave mis-hit the ball. Dazzling Diamond Beville and Game Changer were waiting for the ball but the ball never came.

The spectacle of the game came when Big mouth Geiger collided with a Werribee player. Not only did Big Mouths spectacles break but so did his spirits. The waterworks came soon after. When the ambulance came to take him away the paramedic slipped on his tears.

At half time the score was 0-0.

If the first half was horrible the second half was disgraceful. While Game Changer was resting his shoulders after carrying the team all year, the opposition scored a goal. Clean sheet Roma was caught napping as were our defenders.

New Threads Sekler and The Professor fed the forwards all night. Unfortunately, the forwards, led by Browndog who was fresh off a plane from Dubai colluding with BP, were too busy thinking about the pizza they were going to eat afterwards to score a goal.

Long Arms Harley went missing so much that the team thought he was going to appear on a milk carton.

The only goal came from Browndog who received the ball from a rejuvenated Big Mouth Geiger. Browndog stole the ball off the pads of the keeper and slotted it through for a goal. It was a steal that could have appeared on Crime Stoppers or scored by a 4 year old. Either way it evened the game.

Browndogs massive toss from last week was nearly overshadowed by a ripsnorter of a crack by Game Changer. Some say it was one of the hardest strokes others say it was limp attempt. The ball bounced off the pads and out of bounds. Game Changer couldn’t believe it. Danger Wayne welled up, Pistol Pete fainted and the Transurbanator Suss was heard saying “impossible, impossible”.

It was one of those nights that the team want to forget. On the drive home the team were lamenting the loss of their leader and hoped that his gerbils had a better meal than the team did.

Final score was 1-1.

 

Rd 16 8/8/2016: La Trobe White 2 v 3 Maccabi (Brown, Rubinstein, Grunfled)

The Vets drove out to Bundoora to play LaTrobe tonight in what could be described as near freezing temperatures. Big Dave filled his car with a few people but unfortunately for the people in the car the heating didn’t work. Fortunately Browndog provided free heating for everyone.

Damien “The Transurbantor” Suss elected not to play tonight. He had called Game Changer earlier in the day to tell him that his new Little Mermaid outfit had arrived and he wanted to spend the night in it watching the Olympics.

The winner of this match would move to 3rd position. It was a game to end all games. A game so intense it made angels cry. The crowd numbered around 300. Most of them here to see Game Changer. The rest here to see whether Big Mouth Geiger would appear with un-fogged glasses.

Within the first minute the opposition scored a goal after Clean Sheet Roma thought it would be a good idea to hit the ball with the back of his stick which resulted in a stroke.

Down 1-0 it was time for Game Changer to step up. The rest of the team were unsure whether it was possible to come back. Not Game Changer. The first goal was a direct result of a drag flick pass by Game Changer to Browndog. Browndog, after emptying his gasses in the car on the way up, became much lighter and took the ball and ran around 4 defenders and reverse hit it into the back of the net. Some say that it was one of the greatest assists ever others say it was standard Game Changer play.

In defence The Professor Berhang used his silky skills to weave around the attack and along with New Threads Seklar supported and drove the ball upwards to the attackers.

Big Wayne Levy played a solid role up forward constantly running his mouth to the opposition. If his play was as good as his mouth he would be in Rio now.

By the end of the first half it was 1-1.

The second half saw 2 events that will go down in the annals of history. Browndog tossed the ball about 60 meters to Thomahawk Grunny who smashed home a goal. It was the best toss Browndog has ever had. His words not mine. It was also his fastest. The speed at which he tossed it was measured on the radar gun at 90mph. At the end of the match Browndog was seen practising the toss to prove it wasn’t a fluke.

The second event saw Dazzling Diamond Beville play the role of Goalie / Ninja. In what could be described as the greatest save ever. Beville, who was defending on the goal line while Clean Sheet Roma was on his way to deed poll to change his name to Back Stick Roma, saved a ball that was struck with such force it literally broke his stick. Not only that but it also broke the hearts of the opposition. Dazzling Diamond Beville said afterwards it wasn’t the first time he had broken hearts.

Pistol Pete was on the end of a ripping play which started by the Professor. It was beautifully watched by Game Changer. One of the best watchers ever. Game Changer literally stood there and watched the play unfold. It was brilliant watching.

Big Dave Birnbaum was back after taking last week off to assemble and polish his nob that came off a chest of drawers from IKEA.

Long Arms Harley was instrumental. His extended arms were too much for the opposition and the hoards of female admirers. The usual spectator fainted at the sight of The Italian Stallion Cohen and had to be resuscitated by the umpire.

The final score was 3-2 in favour of Maccabi.

 

Rd 15 1/8/2016: Essendon 0 v 5 Maccabi (Brown 2, Suss, Beville, Rapoport)

As you would have read in last weeks report Game Changer did not play. He was invited by Trump to speak at the Republican convention then to Rio to gee up the hockeyroos prior to their first game.

The team ventured out to Essendon on Monday night to play their nemesis. A win would secure a finals berth for the Vets.

Some big outs this week in Big Dave Birnbaum and the Professor Berhang meant some time down back for New Threads Seklar and Danger Wayne Levy. Both were brilliant in defence. They made their attack look second rate.

As Game Changer walked up to where the team were getting ready, the famous Queen song “We are the champions” started playing. Huge smiles, high fives and applause greeted the superstar. Game Changer is quite modest by his own admission and took it on the chin just like Browndog does.

The first goal for maccabi was scored by the Transurbanator. A wonderful slick flick pass by Game Changer to Blood Diamond Beville then a shmick pass to Transurbanator who then easily got around the dumb founded goalie who fell over himself while Transurbanator chipped the ball into the net.

One of the funniest things you’ll ever see occurred next. Browndog was called the C word after getting around 3 of their defence and whacked the ball into the back of the net. He then turned around, lifted his shirt and asked them the question “Is ‘C’ for chiselled?”

The next goal was watched brilliantly by Game Changer. A deft short corner push by The Scalpel Flicker to Danger Wayne was of the highest standard. Danger Wayne then pushed the ball to Blood Diamond Beville who slotted through an easy goal. By this stage the Vets were up 3-0. The opposition goalie started to cry at this stage. Their 6 foot 5 midfielder tried very hard not to cry too but it became too much for him as his walked off the pitch with a hanky wiping away some tears.

The second half started much the same way as the first half. Big Mouth Geiger was on fire. It was quite incredible to hear someone with such foggy glasses call our guys to man up. At one stage Game Changer was told to man up on this guy only to find out that the guy was our own player. All these weeks on the sidelines and Big Mouth Geiger still hasn’t found a cure for his foggy glasses. It was quite amusing. We hope one day he goes to Medownick Laser eye surgery so that he can see properly.

The forth goal was scored by Game Changer which brought his yearly tally to 46 goals with 75 assists. I’ll try and describe this player for those who haven’t seen him in action. He moves like the wind, looks like he has been photoshopped and can charm the pants off anyone. Picture this: Top of the circle, surrounded by 10 opposition players and with the strength of an ox he weaved around each of the defenders and smacked the orange ball so hard by the time it hit the back of the net it had turned white – the same colour the crowd turned when they saw this remarkable feat. Tomahawk Grunny had to resuscitate a dog who had fainted. The 200 strong crowd had to wait until the end of the game for Game Changers autograph.

Long Arms Harley returned to have another scintillating game. His long arms and extended reach allowed him to pass the ball to Browndog who promptly snuck home the final goal of the game.

Pistol Pete Rubinstein kept his cholesterol levels up with his soft touch on the ball throughout the night. A fantastic effort from the Pistol.

Clean Sheet Roma had returned from diving for rare Muff Pearls in the Atlantic Ocean. Since his return he has not bothered the score sheet.

To celebrate the win the team went for burgers at the fine kosher establishment in Port Melbourne called The Truckstop. Studio Italia Cohen was at his cheeky best practicing his lines on the waitress while the rest of the team ate.

Final score was 5-0 (2 to Browndog, 1 to Transurbanator, 1 to Blood Diamond Beville and 1 to Game Changer)

 

Rd 14 25/7/2016: Maccabi 6 v 0 Brunswick (Grunfeld 3, Suss 2, Kanevsky)

Luckily the expected storm stopped just before Maccabi stepped onto the field Monday night or someone would have had to call for a fleet of ambulances to revive 23 players from hypothermia.

Some of the Vets noticed the absence of; Game changer (MiniMe), Big Wayne, Long Arms Harley, Brown Dog, Sesame Wholemeal Sourdough Bagel, Black Diamond Beville, Wild Pete

But a number of committed players stepped up to more than cover the absence (many without a doctor’s note) of the regular players. Dwane Aaron, Wild Bill Tregar and Dazzling McHammy Tubsie all came to the party.

Brunswick had not won a game all year and no wonder why they had more bona fide injuries than Maccabi. 10 players vrs 12 and it was going to be a tough night. Maccabi started well with good moves by Slinky Suss, Geiger Counter and The Administrator Kanevsky, finding a path through a robust Brunswick defence. Even hop along Dazzler McTubsie got into the act with a couple of early shots. He is not used to being so far up the field.

Luckily Game Changer was not on the field as he would only be able to run through the legs of these big Brunswick players. Some say he was used as a tunnel ball at school, others say he was mini me, in a film, but we have all but confirmed game changer (aka Mini Me) was home tucked up in bed with a plush toy bug.

Brunswick had a simple strategy: Put all their players in defence and see what happens. Maccabi could almost do what it wished with the ball as Brunswick formed its Roman defensive structure ( I am sure two of their players were asterix and obelix, young readers will have to look this up).

Maccabi tried to build a Trojan Horse without luck and went straight to plan b …. the cannon fire option that came from Robot No 1 Birnbaum and D-wane Aarons.

Balls rocketed into the circle from all angles but no one had the reflexes to trap them. Dazzler, Dr Flicker, nor the Administrator could even see the ball as they went zinging past. Brunswick did not have many options to get the ball out of defence and tried every which way to work the ball out but could not get past the solid defence of the Professor who had all the answers. They opted for the sideline and Maccabi went straight back into attack.

However after a number of frustrating misses the ball was trapped and passed across the circle to Tomahawk Grunfeld who as in name Tomahawked the ball into the goal. The scene was set for an all-out attack and Clean Sheet Roma was seen looking for a heater, pillow and TV as it was going to be a long lonely night at his end of the field. Even the backs Silky Threads and Robot Dave had time to play Pokémon Go and were seen bumping into each other looking for Pikachu.

In all my years of playing I was lucky to witness one of the great Gillette moments in sport. Tomahawk passed the ball up the left side to Dazzling McTubsie who in turn did the right thing since he couldn’t run passed the ball to Dr Flicker who was moving at a pace that I have never seen before.  I don’t know what it was, a blood rush, peptides, a V drink, taurine, codeine, a pre-game laxative but Dr Flicker was moving at a serious pace…. Dazzler passed the ball at what would be Dr Flickers normal trot but as he was moving so fast the good Dr over ran the ball and it went out over the sideline. I was speechless. The good Dr made a couple of impressive moves all night and we will have him drug tested later in the week.

Maccabi was keen to get the score up to reflect its abilities and off they went. Slinky Suss was next to score off a good build up. Tomahawk was given a slow ball by D-wane Aarons to fire a fly ball across the goal into an awaiting net. It was so fast it burned a hole in the keeper glove. Brunswick had no chance, one player was wearing a bandana … like sooo sixties. As hard as they tried Maccabi’s defence was too strong and they could not get a ball into attack. Each one was thwarted by good defence, even Silky Threads Sekler picked a couple of balls off the attacks.

The ball was driven time and again into the Brunswick circle but Maccabi try as they might could not convert until the Administrator slotted one home. After a good half time drosher from Captain Grunfeld the team refocused and started off the second half slotting another two goals to finish the game 6 – 0. The next two games will be a test as the team comes up against 4th place and 5th Place Essendon. With the finals nearing Maccabi Vets will have to win these two games to cement a place in the finals

 

Rd 13 18/7/2016: Powerhouse 3 v 2 Maccabi (Berhang, Birnbaum)

Maccabi played the top team tonight in Powerhouse at Albert Park.

A few big outs tonight didn’t deter the team one bit. Long Arms Harley was out due to having surgery to extend his arms even further. Clean Sheet Roma was diving for pearls so he can make his favourite necklaces but the big out was Mutil Grain Baigel who decided that having a Thermomix party to celebrate last weeks achievements was more important. Big Mouth Geiger was still looking for Pikachu the rare Pokemon.

Since our goalie Clean Sheet Roma was underwater it was time for someone to step up and take the pads. Game Changer decided that he needed to stay on the pitch if there was any chance of winning and elected Tomahawk Grunny to be the stand in.

During the first half Big Dave Birnbaum thought he was playing golf. A full whack of the ball into the back of the oppositions head resulted in the opposition player needing to goto hospital to have his head reattached. Luckily for them Dr Flicker was on hand providing much needed assistance. The Vets are a fair team. We decided to also take a man off the pitch so it was even.

Maccabi’s first goal was glorious. The Professor Berhang received the ball after a monumental play by Game Changer. I’ll try and describe it for you. Game Changer took the ball off their best player in the back line, weaved around their whole attack and passed the half line with the ball seemingly stuck to his stick. Once he passed the half line he then thought about passing it off but decided against it until he saw an open Professor to the left of the goals. The pass will go down in the annals of history as the greatest assist in World Hickey. The Professor, on blended knees which is something he is fantastic at, and with an out stretched arm flying to the ground struck the ball left handed and with such force put the ball behind a bewildered goalie into the back of the net. The professor’s celebration included handstands and high fives. Play had to stop so that The Professor could sign the hoards of autograph hunters who came to watch Game Changer play. Game Changer assisted again by providing The Professor with his gold plated sharpie.

While all this commotion was going on the Browndog was returning from his work funded trip to Uzbekistan. Halfway through the first half Browndog arrived and was ready to play. If you want to see a grown man whinge at every opportunity please come and watch this man. Back in the day he ran the Stawell Gift. Nowadays he can barely make it to the bathroom in time. If he was a wrestler his name would be The Whingeman and his signature move would be to complain all the time. If he was half as good at playing as he is whinging then he would be unstoppable.

Game Changer played in 4 positions again to cover some lazy defenders and even lazier forwards.

Solid play from Pistol Pete and The Transurbanator kept the forwards busy. The Insolvenator Kinevsky played his best game for the club after bankrupting 15 companies today.

Maccabi’s last goal was a ripper from Big Dave Birnbaum after a short corner push from Pistol Pete. It was another set play by Game Changer. Big Dave faked a swing, passed it off to the Whinger who passed it back to Big Dave who then promptly slotted the ball through the goal. This set play was so quick that the opposition had to call a third umpire for thinking that we cheated. The 3rd umpire didn’t even have to go to the replay because it was a set Game Changer play.

Between Maccabi’s first and last goal the opposition slotted home 3.

Final score was a respectable 2-3.

 

Rd 12 11/7/2016: Maccabi 6 v 0 La Trobe Red (Baigel 3, Rapoport, Suss, Levy)

LaTrobe ventured out to play Maccabi Vets on Monday night at Albert Park.

Last week Game Changer took time off to coach the Olympic squad after he was formally asked by the president of Hockey Australia. As he walked onto the pitch this week the team nodded and smiled at each other. They knew what was about to unfold before them.

Prior to the game Game Changer received a phone call from Browndogs Hamstring who said he was right to play but more of Browndog later.

Game Changer started the first half at left inner and made a massive immediate impact. He ran rings around his 3 opponents. You see, the opposition know that when they play Maccabi they need to tag Game Changer. No amount of opposition preparation can stop him. He received the ball from a slick back stick pass from Studio Italia Cohen and drilled the ball into the back of the net. The net had to be replaced as the sheer power burnt a hole through it. The same spectator from 2 weeks ago fainted. She only regained consciousness at half time when Game Changer’s baby blue eyes provided their usual medicinal purpose. Had Game Changer not assisted she would have remained in a coma.

Game Changers first goal set the scene for the remainder of the first half. A short corner push from Dr Flicker to the Transurbanator then a quick push from Danger Wayne Levy to Multi Grain Baigel meant a simple deflection over the opposition goalie into the net. This first goal from Multi Grain Baigel wasn’t enough. He wanted more in the oven and boy was he hungry. His second goal was a masterpiece. A brilliant leave by Game Changer from another short corner push from Dr Flicker saw Seeded Sour Dough smash the ball around the goalie who stood there dumb founded and began questioning his existence. This set play by Game Changer wasn’t enough for the Dough Boy Baigel. He wanted a hat trick of bagels. Multigrain, seeded sour dough and poppy seed. His final poppy seed goal was destructive. It sent shivers through the opposition. It was like watching Van Gough paint seeing this artist of a hockey player score this goal. He jerked his ball around the legs of the defender and gave it a mighty whack! The laws of physics were defied by this strike. It came off his wand and hit all sides of the goal and before landing in the back of the net.

Game Changer fills a lot of holes on and off the pitch. He played in 4 positions. Left half, right wing, left inner and left wing and by half time the score was 4-0.

The 2nd half was laughable. The Browndog had the ball taken off him about 6 times. He hasn’t been this rejected since high school. Big Dave Birnbaum had a decent game at full back and right wing. The 5th and weakest goal was scored by the Transurbanator. The goalie was still crying from Multi Grains heroics that he couldn’t see through his tears when The Transurbanator walked into the open goal with the ball. Game Changer setup the final goal of the game when he received the ball from The Professor Berhang and then gave it to Danger Wayne Levy who promptly struck the ball into the net.

Roma changed his name back to Clean Sheet Roma. Absent again was Big Mouth Geiger who decided that playing Pokemon Go was more important. Big Mouth Geiger has played about three games this year or about $150 a game. Next week should see the return of Pistol Pete, New Threads Seklar and Big Mouth Geiger.

After the game the boys went for dinner where Studio Italia Cohen and Big Dave Birnbaum footed the bill.

Final score was 6-0.

 

Rd 11 4/7/2016: Greensborough 0 v 3 Maccabi (Baigel 2, Grunfeld)

 

Rd 10 27/6/2016: Maccabi 3 v 3 Geelong (Baigel 2, Beville)

Maccabi Vets played the 2nd top team Geelong at Albert Park. Before the game started the pressure was on Game Changer Rappa to repeat his heroics of the last few weeks. But more of him later.

Browndog, having pulled his hammy in last weeks game, pulled on the umpires jersey and blew the whistle to start the game. For someone who excels in everything he does, one would have thought he has mastered the art of blowing. Tonight he seemed to have swallowed the whistle. The ‘Chef’ Aarons helped out too.

Glen ‘The Insolvenator’ Kanevsky’s nose played a key role in the first half stopping a ball that was surely on its way into the oppositions circle. If they were giving Brownlow votes to body parts his nose would have received 3 of them.

Maccabi were half alseep in the first half. Roma was on his way back to deed poll to change his name from Let One In Roma to Let Two In Roma however a phone call from Game Changer ensured a quick u-turn back to the ground.

Big Wayne Levy decided to rev the team at half time. His sage advice that the opposition are just old farts and that if you move the ball around they will get tired was keenly listened to.

Game Changer’s crucial advice earlier to Roma must have touched a nerve because during the 2nd half he was back to his old Let One In Roma. 5 mins into the 2nd half the opposition were up 3 -0. Roma was nearly back in his car at that point to change his name to Let Three In Roma. The team were very happy he stayed because he had an incredible final 20 mins.

They say hockey is a game of inches and we all know how much The Transurbanator needs them. 3 times he had the ball on the spot only to hit the side of the goal or the top of the goal or the stick of the goalie. It was like all the inches in the world wouldn’t have helped him get it in.

Big Dave Birnbaum came into the game with a cloud over his health. You couldn’t tell though. While New Threads Seklar was getting fitted for new threads he demonstrated what it’s like to play with pain. He didn’t complain. This is something that champions are born with – the ability to play through pain. He was made to look even better with the Professor Berhang helping out.

With 20 mins left to play it was time for Game Changer to stop dispensing sage advice and let his stick do the talking. Game Changer can see the play unfold way before anyone else. He saw the ball being fed through to Dazzling Diamond Beville from the Studio Italian Stallion,decided to leave it and watched the Dazzler promptly put it into the net. It was the perfect leave.

It was time for Multi Grain Baigel to rise. Let me try and paint a picture. It was Maccabi’s short corner and no one wanted to push the ball out. Yet again it was the Game Changer who grabbed the ball. Not only did Game Changer push the ball out he also set up the play. As Game Changer pushed the ball out to the Transurbinator, Big Dave steadied himself for the strike. At this point there were many spectators watching with baited breath. The Transurbinator stopped the perfect ball, pushed it to Big Dave who then faked a shot while Big Wayne slipped the ball through to Multi Grain Baigel who was Jonny on the spot and scored a goal. A spectator passed out from this play. If it wasn’t for the baby blue eyes of Game Changer she would have been taken to hospital.

At this point Maccabi were behind by 1 Goal. Another short corner setup by Tomahawk Grunny allowed Game Changer to do what he does best – step up and take control. Another perfect push out from Game Changer to the Transurbinator allowed Big Wayne to do his thing again and flick the ball to the waiting Multi Grain who slipped the ball passed the goalie into the back of the net. The same spectator had to revived by Doctor Flicker after this sensational play by Maccabi.

Big Mouth Geiger was a late withdrawal due to his preference to watching reruns of Oprah and Days of our Lives. Pistol Pete Rubinstein was also a late withdrawal. He was either at a Brexit party or in Alaska trying to sell ice to the Eskimos.

Final score was 3-3.

 

Rd 9 20/6/2016: Altona 1 v 3 Maccabi (Brown, Geiger, Baigel)

On a stale evening with no wind (other than the kind emanating from Big Daves car) Maccabi Vets drove out to the western suburbs to play lowly ranked Altona. Maccabi lost the toss (which is something Tomahawk Grunny is usually good at) which gave the opposition first use of the ball. The Browndog stole the ball immediately and passed the ball to the Game Changer Rappa who not only weaved around 4 defenders but accelerated to evade the goalie only to do the disciplined thing and slightly tap the ball back to the Browndog who scored an unattended goal.

Some say that Game Changer Rappa’s stick is made from the off cuts of biblical wood from Noah’s ark, others say that it’s The Transurbanators spare stick. Either way this stick wields unimaginable power and only the powerful skills from Game Changer know how to truly use it. It’s not for the faint hearted. Only the non human can stop its power. Twice during the game the ball hit the post off the stick of Game Changer. The first time was during the first half when Long Arms Harley and Dazzling Diamond Beville fed a ball through and the second time was in the second half when the brute force of the hit dented the post so much that for the first time in World Hockey the game had to be postponed due to the goal having to be replaced. A spectator fainting from seeing something not of this world too.

In another first for Maccabi the usually injured Big Mouth Geiger snuck forward to score a goal that would barely feature in an under 9’s highlight reel. (Edit: It was actually a decent goal fired into the side board)

Browndog did a hammy while thinking about doing a hammy which meant other players touched the ball up forward. The sour dough playmaker Baigel scored a magnificent goal after a soft touch play by Big Dave Birnbaum. It hit the net with the precision of a tracer bullet.  As you can probably guess the goal was scored while Game Changer was resting his tired legs.

The Professor Berhang and New Threads Seklar held up the defence. Clean Sheet Roma had to go to deed poll to change his name to Let One In Roma.

The highlight of the night was when Tomahawk Grunny scored a disallowed goal while lying on the wet ground in his business shirt. It was surely a sight to see. After contesting the goal he was was sent off for the second week in a row. The team rule is that if one is sent off 3 weeks in a row they have to pay everyone’s subs.

The game finished 3 – 1 and a feast was had at stellas pizza and pasta bar in Altona

 

Rd 8 6/6/2016: Maccabi 6 v 0 Werribee (Birnbaum 2, Rapoport, Baigel, Cohen, Suss)

Maccabi played a home game tonight against the lowly ranked Tigers. Upon hearing that our 3 forwards weren’t playing tonight the team were shattered. Big Wayne, Pistol Pete and the Browndog all had other commitments (knitting, sewing and playing pocket billiards). This news didn’t stop Tomahawk Grunny from delivering one of the most inspirational revs ups the team had ever heard. Game Changer Rappa agreed to warm the bench from the outset to give Blood Knuckles Baigel a run at left wing. This decision proved critical as Baigel whacked the ball into the back of the net. It was then time for Game Changer Rappa to come onto the field. Instantly the team pepped up. Rappa took the ball from half way and ran to the circle and popped off a cracking shot only to be stopped by the foot of the opposition. The team were unsure who was going to take the stroke. It’s times like these that champions step up and take charge.  Despite not being the designated stroke taker (Big Mouth Geiger is still not speaking to Game Changer) Rappa reached into his repertoire and produced a stunning slower ball straight down the middle of the goal at knee height. The goalie was dumbfounded. He was later overheard saying that that stroke should be taught at the Olympic level with nods of agreement from his team. It took both teams another 10 mins to get back into the game. Big Dave scored a goal from the top of the circle after a well played ball into the foot by The Transurbanator Suss. The first half saw Maccabi up by 3 goals to nil.

Dr Flicker started the 2nd half unlucky with a clean hit only for it to be stopped by the goalie. Clean Sheet Roma had a ripper in goals while Long Arms Harley and the Professor Berhang kept feeding the balls to the forwards. Another goal by Big Dave sent the goalie into apoplexy. The final 2 goals were set up by man of the match Game Changer Rappa. Big Mouth Geiger was back in the team after a few weeks off trying to invent a spray to prevent his glasses fogging up

 

Rd 7 30/5/2016: Maccabi 3 v 3 La Trobe White (Levy 2, Rapoport)

Maccabi played the undefeated La Trobe on Monday night at Albert Park. In an eventful night where Tomahawk Grunny put on the umpires vest, saw Maccabi score 2 goals in the first half. Both goals were scored by Danger Wayne Levy. The first was excellent while the other was quite the opposite. In a first Game Changer Rappa started at Left Half and dominated the defence assisted by Big Dave Birnbaum and New Threads Sekler. The second half saw the Game Changer Rappa sneak forward to score the goal of the year. To describe it would not do it justice. When Rappa came off to rest his tired legs the opposition scored 3 in a row. Pistol Pete Rubinstein, Long Arms Harley and New House Browny will attempt to pick up their game next week. The support from Big Mouth Geiger from the sidelines was non existent.

 

Rd 6 23/5/2016: Maccabi 5 v 0 Essendon (Walk Over)

The team was handed a 5 – 0 walkover by Essendon, all 5 goals to Roma Fridkin

 

Rd 5 16/5/2016: Brunswick 0 v 2 Maccabi (Brown, Baigel)

In a very one sided game Maccabi defeated the lowly ranked Brunswick 2-0. The first half saw many wasted opportunities. The ball was bobbing around which made it difficult to trap. By the end of the first half it was 0-0. Browny the Wonderkid had given his magic wand to Game Changer Rappa at the start of the game. It didn’t help. Great stops by Roma in goals kept the opposition at bay. Gavin “new threads” Sekler , was defiant down back as were his sidekicks Big Dave B and the “Principal” Berhang. Browny scored an easy goal while the goalie wasn’t looking and the majestic gymnastic acrobatic goal from Mr Glicks-Baigel finished off the game. Next week sees the return of Big Mouth Geiger who is looking forward to returning after finally finishing his evening cooking classes.

 

Rd 4 9/5/2016: Maccabi 3 v 7 Powerhouse (Grunfeld 2, Rubinstein)

The Vets went down tonight 3-7 at Albert park. In a mixed game where Thomahawk Grunny scored 2 goals in the first 5 mins and spent the last 5 mins on the bench after being carded for talking back to the referee. Between these 2 highlights Pete scored the 3rd and the opposition snuck home 7. Our oppositions silky skills were evident early after some sweet short corner magic. Thanks  to Robbie Gore and Mike Aronson for coming out to watch. Big outs tonight though with Big Wayne, Dave B and Eyal Geiger missing the game.

 

Rd 3 2/5/2016: La Trobe Red 2 v 8 Maccabi (Levy 3, Rapoport 2, Grunfeld 2, Geiger)

The Vets ventured out to a cold and windy Bundoora to play Latrobe. In a hard fought first half, Big Wayne scored Maccabi’s only goal of the half but by the end of the half Maccabi was down 2-1. A disallowed goal for Long Arms Harley just before half time spurned on a remarkable change of fortune. Game changer Rappa scored 2, Big Wayne took his tally to 3, Big Mouth Geiger scored 1 and Tomahawk Grunny scored 2. Final score was 8-2 to Maccabi. The defenders did ok but let 2 goals through.

 

Rd 2: 18/4/2016: Maccabi 6 v 1 Greensborough (Brown 4, Same, Birnbaum)

In Round 2 the Masters met Greensborough at Albert Park.  Goals to Brown (4), Same (1) and Birnbaum (1 – albeit a bit controversial) saw the team finish with a 6-1 win over the 10 man Greensborough side.  It was good to get a win, but the team will need to lift further when it comes up against La Trobe in a couple of weeks.

 

Rd 1: 11/4/2016: Geelong 4 v 2 Maccabi (Grunfeld, Suss)